Ultimately, Whining

or what I feel to be ignored

The Yeriod Joke

I can’t believe that men can make fun of the process that allowed them to be. That they can scoff at my pain and suffering and use it as the butt of a joke concerning my competence and abilities. It’s a perfect gauntlet of fuckery considering it simultaneously brands the place where they are most likely to crawl to snivel and beg for pleasure as dirty and icky-poo. “But I can’t wait to fuck that shit.”

And I’m such a shit head I took this all in and can’t even call my period by its real name.

Wonky Hetero Adventures in Outer Space

Heteronormativity can be found in the weirdest of places.

Exhibit A:

Wanted: Married Couple for Private Mars Voyage  in 2018

Dennis Tito, a millionaire who funded his own trip to space 12 years ago, has created an organization to send two space tourists to Mars in the 2018. Worried about the “psychological problems” they are “going to encounter with that isolation,” Dennis has decided that the appropriate thing to do is send “one male and one female” and “preferably a married couple” because he figures that the duo will need someone they “can hug.”

For the record I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with any of this, I just think that it points out the inherent wonkiness of a world in which male-female relationships, especially within the context of marriage, are automatically viewed as the ones which could be the most comforting, stable and affectionate.

Of course this is probably just part of a stunt to create extra headlines since Tito does have to raise a lot of money in order for the venture to be possible, but it’s still pretty weird. Space exploration is supposed to push new boundaries, breach just about every norm and leave the past behind. Maybe this is a sign of our inability to let go of structures which we associate with home. Tito clearly wants to bring a real bit of Earth to another planet, and for him that means a married couple of the opposite sex.

There’s something about bringing what is culturally dominant on Earth to space that illuminates just how specific our standard view of relationships is.

Rape Culture and People Not Giving a Shit

Why is rape culture in marriage acceptable and prevalent? Furthermore, why does no one seem to be bothered that rape culture seems to be a bit inherent to marriage? Why are sexual aggressors given less responsibility in marriage than in any other context when people talk about rape culture in society? Why do we put more responsibility on the spouse who is being repeatedly coerced and pressured? In what other context of rape culture is our answer predominantly that the person less interested is the one who needs to speak up and make their case? Why do we allow for habitual sex to be assumed? Why is asexuality viewed as a “problem” and medicalized in this supposedly forward thinking age? Are we really supposed to accept that people who don’t get sex from someone in anygiven context are being wronged in some way?

Why do the rules suddenly fucking change when we are talking about marriage or a serious relationship? Why is this thinking allowed to be a dominant norm in a society  which claims to tackle rape culture?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-meyer/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062.html

How is it fucking acceptable for a woman to narrate the coercion and abuse of another individual while blaming that person for not being “upfront” and also  qualifying her own actions as simple honest mistakes and assumptions? WTF IS GOING ON AND WHY IS NO ONE ELSE TALKING ABOUT IT?

Because they DONT FUCKING WANT TO and might not EVER want to and if you can’t accept that you have no business being in a sexual relationship at all no matter what the context. I understand that we’re all brainwashed to think a certain way. I understand we’re all told what “commitment” entails. Quite frankly I don’t give a fuck since I’m much more worried about victims of coercion than anyone whose problem is they aren’t getting sex, just like everyone else when it comes to every other kind of rape culture but this one.

Also if this kind if oppression is mutual it doesn’t keep it from being just as fucked up.

“Male masturbation against women’s thighs is quite common.”

Today was the last day of discussion for Lolita in my Literature and Society class. We were talking about a particular scene in the book in which Humbert Humbert’s character is masturbating against 12-year-old Dolores’s leg. My teacher stopped the discussion for a few seconds to make a quip about how this scene would be nothing special if Dolores weren’t 12, because this kind of thing is really common in real life. Well isn’t it?

The entire class seemed to think so. Everyone started to giggle in recognition. HA HA! Boys and men just do that you know?! They masturbate against women’s legs! It’s a thing. Duh. Unbeknownst to the woman like in Lolita’s case? Who knows? Apparently the distinction didn’t need to be made. Ok.

Amidst the laughter my teacher made another comment and it was more enlightening than the last. “Well come on,  it’s what dancing is isn’t it? I’ve seen what your dancing looks like. Well back in my day….” More laughter of recognition.

Now I’ve thought about the inequality of a lot of dancing, grinding in particular. Girls ain’t got no clit on their butt.

Still, this moment was quite spectacular. Here we have a room full of people who recognize this concept enough to laugh about it communally. Dancing does equate to male masturbation, not just a lot of the time but a LOT LOT lot of the time. Had I evidence beyond my observations I’d say most.

It took everything I had to not completely derail this Lolita discussion and address what just went down. Unfortunately I didn’t and I played the same role that everyone else did.

We all know there is a problem. We just choose to laugh about it instead.

Consent is Not Sexy

Consent is not sexy. It does not keep you from being “that guy” or girl. Waiting for it or making sure that it’s there does not make you a “real man” or a good person. “Stopping” doesn’t mean you have great control. It doesn’t make you responsible or respectful. 

Consent is the bare minimum. It keeps you from being prosecutable. It is the only thing that separates you from a rapist.  It is not a proper litmus test for what is acceptable or for what should be happening. 

It is not a substitute for discussion. 

“Withholding Sex” as an idea and its implications

Type “Withholding Sex” into Google and you’ll see an onslaught of articles talking about the horrors of a “sexless marriage”, questioning why spouses “use sex as a weapon” in order to “passive aggressively” hurt their partner. You’ll be able to read the passionate arguments of people who think that “refusing” to have sex with a spouse is actually a form of abuse and emotional neglect. You’ll be able to witness the testimonies of those who have “admitted” to “threatening” their spouse to “withhold sex” unless they get what they want and even more disturbingly the ones of those who claim to be “victims” of this kind of “punishment.”

The idea that sex can be withheld is one that undermines consent and individual personhood. To believe that sex can be owed, to believe that sex can be expected and to ultimately believe that a lack of sexual contact and gratification from another human being means you’ve been wronged is the epitome of rape culture. The intent of the supposed perpetrator does not matter. There is no such thing as a wrong reason to not want to have sex .

It is not just those who use the phrase “withholding sex” within the context of marriage who are guilty of propagating this specific brand of rape culture. This is clearly a problem that extends to all relationships in which future sexual activity is assumed, promised and expected. In other words, the accepted dominant structures that make up what I’ve always understood to be “relationships” and  marriages are ones that support rape culture, often very subtly.

I want to explore these ideas as thoroughly as possible through the medium of this blog. More specifically I will be writing about how this form of rape culture relates to the Evangelical community (especially Complementarians), marital and rape laws within the United States, marriage within the Bible,  and marriage in the Victorian Age in order to explore these concepts more broadly and easily within my own society.

Topics to be explored

Anti-Sex, Pro-Sex, Anti-Porn, Pro-Porn, Sex Positive, Sex Negative, 123 and Future Wave, Sex Education, Abstinence, Rape, Rape Culture, Consent, Coercion, Abuse, Dominance, Submission, BDSM, Kinky, Abortion Rights, Pro-Life, Pro-Choice, Pro-Abortion, Muslim, Christian, Gender Roles, LGBT, Queer, Marriage, Monogamy, “Love”, Polygamy, Possession, Mutual Oppression, Ownership, False Projections, Patriarchy, Orientation, Asexual, A-romantic, Complementarian, Egalitarian …..Feminism and probably lots of other stuff.

Time to explore and hate-read.